Serial Killer. 7/29/21

Folks didn’t tell me much growing up; I guess they were trying to protect me. So I learned to ask fewer questions, to rely heavily on intuition. My subconscious works overtime. When I can’t figure things out, I go to sleep to put my subconscious to work. Sometimes I wake up with the resolution. Lately, I’ve been waking up with a lack of clarity and confusion, and it’s unnerving, to put it mildly. I had a dream that I was watching a serial killer nurse on a military plane transporting several sick folks on gurneys. In one case, the nurse just jettisoned one of the people out the hatch of the plane. “I’ve seen this one before,” I thought. “When are the other folks going to realize what he’s doing?” And so, I watched him attempt to off the remaining patients with surgical precision. It could mean that I am sabotaging myself; it could mean that someone is trying to sabotage me. I’m helpless to watch the story unfold.

And so I wake up exhausted, and I try to get the dog and Boop breakfast. I start another day of work. I just got a promotion, but I’m completely burnt out. As I look over at the clock on my computer, it’s almost time to pick up Boop from summer camp, and it’s about time for a mid-life crisis. It’s been brewing for a few years. It’s that feeling that I’m off course. I’m not self-actualizing. I’m mildewing in COVID precautions. Is it wrong to wish someone would swoosh down and save me? Is it wrong to hope that someone will catch the serial killer before there are more dead bodies? I’m supposed to remind myself that I can save myself.

People keep having children knowing how uncertain the future is. Boop deserves a mom with her head together, but sometimes? I come up short. And maybe I’ll be sold for a song. So many misunderstandings; so many mixed messages. So little actual information. Was it you all along? I wonder. I can only sit here and simmer. The sound of the trickle of the water pump reminds me of our sad little, neglected fish. I keep feeding them. I keep feeding the dog. And I clean up after them. Thankless. Life is pretty mundane, except for errant students and errant Boop, at times. Hm, the literal and the figurative poo that I manage on a daily basis. Thankfully, Boop’s happier now that she is back in school, and I keep praying that we don’t get COVID and that she gets her vaccine soon.