Sleep. 8-27-11

Some nights are better than others. It started with morning sickness around 2 am, and then there were the frequent trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Thankfully, the morning sickness has significantly improved. The late night bathroom runs continue and are accompanied by frequent wake ups to change position. I do an okay job of sleeping on my side, but I sleep so much better on my back :(. I bought a long body pillow, as recommended by a mentor, which does help a bit.

I've never been a good sleeper. So, I've tried to adapt over time and improve my sleep hygiene: trying to go to sleep at the same time every day at a reasonable hour, keeping my room cool and the lights dark, and turning my alarm clock away from me. If I get up in the middle of the night, I keep the lights low. If I can't sleep for an hour, I get up and distract myself. On the bad side, I got lazy and started letting my dog sleep with me. I keep her barricaded on the other side of the bed with the body pillow. I also leave the TV on while I sleep, which just started in the last few years.

I was also having sleep trouble at my last house. Right as I was drifting off to sleep, I started thinking and doing all of these crazy things. Several specialists and normal tests later, one doctor was starting to think I had ESP, but my 'prescience' was only about a few people... Only 2 things helped: not using my computer (pretty near impossible) and leaving the TV on. And that's how the bad habit started. How do I limit Boop's TV time when I can't even limit my own? If we have to watch SpongeBob, I'm in trouble!  

Water Babies. 8-27-11

I've got a friend with a pool in her complex. And since she mentioned it a few weeks ago, it's been on my mind. It's been a while since I've been swimming, which is a huge change from when I was younger. Every weekend, we were off to Paw-Paw's house at the lake. And the next morning, we were out on the lake. My parents would strap on my little ski belt and let me loose. It seemed so easy. Paw-Paw never had to have a ski belt. He had a lot of natural buoyancy ;) And he was always tickled to tell people how he could walk across the river, never swam. I was his little fish, complete with fish face.

I wanted Boop to start getting used to the water and hope that s/he will come to love it. So, K and I got together and headed to her pool. I managed to find swimsuit bottoms, but I couldn't find a top. Pregnancy swimsuits were non-existent. So, I decided to just opt for a t-shirt and a bra <sorry to be graphic>. A also came over, and we had a nice visit. The pool temperature was a bit on the cool side but manageable. I was limited on my swimming options, but the side stroke seemed to work, except that I got winded too easily.

We decided to go to dinner afterwards, Mexican. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to bring a dry bra. K had offered an undershirt, but my girls look like something from Jean-Paul Gaultier. I just put my dress on with my wet bra. I finished changing, walked out to see A, looked down, and we both cracked up. I had a certain 'nursing' look, and K let me borrow her hair dryer. She gave me an undershirt that I wore over my bra, and I tried to dry my dress a bit. Meanwhile, I only live about 2 minutes away and could have easily ran home and changed, if I had thought about that first... So, finally, I pulled myself together, and we had a nice dinner. But I must admit I was happy to come home and put on my dry pajamas. Hopefully, Boop's next swimming outing will be a bit more organized.

Attention. 8-21-11



Almost 18 Weeks                                             

There's no avoiding it. I get a lot of attention these days. I tend to keep to myself, but there is no denying one important fact: I'm pregnant. And I'm big. Yes, I am really only 18 weeks pregnant. No, I'm not expecting twins. They've looked 3 times. Just one baby. One big baby. And I had a heck of a time trying to get ready for the dinner last night. I'm amazed I was still able to get into my size 4 dress. Fortunately, it was almost empire waisted, but you could see my huge bump. I couldn't help but laugh at myself.

When I came in to the dinner, my boss's boss greeted me, solicitous about how I was doing. I hadn't told her, but I guess the writing was on the wall ;) Frankly, I was more concerned about her. Her daughter, about my age, is a very advanced Stage 4 and declining fast. She had emailed us to explain that she really needed to focus on work while she was here and didn't want to discuss her family situation. I felt so awkward in the greeting. On personality tests, I'm at the extreme end, very high in empathic concern. So, it's very hard for me to switch out of that gear.

And Boop is an immediate ice breaker. People always have something to talk to me about being pregnant. That makes it easier when meeting a lot of new people. No one has touched or rubbed my belly, yet, but I know it's coming. I'm feeling a little spoiled by all of the people holding the doors a little extra long, greeting me with big smiles, calling me honey and sweety, making sure I get plenty to eat, and such. Hm, maybe this extra attention isn't such a bad thing :)

Wants. 8-21-11

Left the White Coat ceremony without dessert last night. So, I came home and had a chocolate peanut butter sandwich. I just posted about a dream I had. Still having lots of strange dreams. Last night was more obvious. We were ordering dinner at a restaurant, one of the courses was shrimp and steak, and I was in the process of ordering another. Someone at the table had a huge lamb shank (?) and of course Boop wanted one, and I ordered it as my next course. Like my dream, I had shrimp and steak hibachi on Friday night with friends, but I was seriously full! <well, after that, I did eat fried bananas and 2 pieces of peach cake, but I would not have had room for a massive piece of lamb...> Maybe I was craving iron?

My aunt M called me late one evening a few weeks ago. She was telling me that she and my aunt D wanted to have a baby shower for me, so excited. I had just taken some meds and was trying hard to concentrate, added to that I wasn't yet 4 months pregnant; so it was a bit hard for me to talk about. My mom called last week and told me that two of my dad's cousins were planning to throw me a shower at my old church <it's fundamentalist; so there you go ;)>. She explained to them, as I explained to my aunt, that I was not planning to register... People must think I'm from another planet <and this wouldn't be the only reason!>. I just figure that this is my first baby, and most folks know better than I would about what a baby needs. And more importantly, I'm not coming with my hands out. I just look forward to seeing everyone and having so many welcoming faces to celebrate my Boop.

And I'm just as anxious as anyone about the baby's gender. It's still quite early in the pregnancy. They just approved the new blood test to detect the sex at 7 weeks, but I'm so close to my 20 wk ultrasound, that it's not worth the trouble. And there really isn't any medical reason to know, in my case. We do think it's a boy though, based on size and activity level. Although, as a friend pointed out, Boop could just be a really big, active girl! Well, at least my wallet has had a few months break from all the things that I see that I want. I'm already eyeing the diapers, which I guess I could buy now, but I'm trying to hold off as long as possible! As soon as I find out Boop's sex, my mom will probably buy enough outfits to clothe the babies of a moderate-sized African nation. Just as long as I don't lose the baby amidst all of the stuff!

Malpractice. 8-20-11

My Health Communication LinkedIn group had a posting that one of the best predictors of medical malpractice lawsuits is poor communication. And if you look a little more closely, one of the important elements of that communication are 2 little words: "I'm sorry." It's the thing families most want to hear, but the thing that the legal system surrounding clinicians is most afraid of, an admission of guilt. And I would bet if the clinician has common decency, it's the thing s/he would most want to say.

I reported the incident with the lost samples to a pharmacist acquaintance via email. I waited over 2 weeks. Nothing. I got another name from a friend, a nursing acquaintance of hers, maybe a little higher on the food chain. I forwarded the email to her. She contacted me and explained that she wasn't the person that handled the particular area I was referring to, but that she would contact those who did.

I received my first contact yesterday. This call was from clinical services about the urine samples that were lost. She explained that the urine samples weren't lost, rather, they do a quick protein test. If the test is positive, they send for further evaluation; if not, they do nothing. She said that in my case, the quick protein test was done, but they should have communicated the result. I hope that's true. I responded that the explanation didn't feel satisfying, especially after the nurse said they didn't have any results for me. She responded that she talked to the staff about better communication with patients. I hope that this has some impact. I’m just concerned about those who may not be as health savvy.

Taking Stock at Week 18. 8-22-11

Taking Stock at Week 18. 8-22-11

Here is what is going on at Week 18:

·         Butterflies seriously? What I'm feelin' isn't anything like butterflies. I've been feeling these tiny jabs that feel like my insides are being pinched. I thought I had another UTI on Friday, but I think my bladder is just sore from being kicked. Boop is fierce :) Or it could just be my body responding to getting so big.

·         Mercy the itching! Mild rashes all over accompanied by serious dermatographism, and the scar on my arm from my mole removal is chelating--bad news! Angular cheilitis is improving slightly but still present. Falling asleep isn't a problem, but the trick is staying asleep.

·         The house is improving, but there is still much to be done. I'm hoping to get some work done on the stairs this week. My course starts tomorrow. So, much juggling to do. And then I have grants to get submitted. And then there will be the addition of my Boop.

Boop's First Day of School/the Future. 8-23-11



Boop's 1st Day of School   

I see everyone posting photos of their little ones starting out to school and their older kids heading off to college. So, likewise, I thought I would take a photo of my little Boop on his/her way to his/her first graduate class. Boop is very precocious!

A few weeks ago, I never dreamed my baby would be headed off to grad school. To be honest, I started writing this blog because Boop was having so much trouble. I didn't know if Boop would make it, and I wanted to have a way to remember my little one. Related to a topic of discussion in class today, another less important reason for this blog was that C had lifted one of my journal entries on my computer for a song and did a video with a guy acting like a dog/lion attacking someone acting like me. Well, I won't be as scared if he copies it off the Internet, and I'm guessing my musings about Boop are boring to him. Anyway.

Much against my nature, I have been trying to let myself be optimistic and happy, facilitated somewhat by my disposition to plan. And every week, my little Boop seems more real. There are diapers and car seats and strollers to think about, and daycare to register for.

I was watching Oprah yesterday afternoon as she interviewed Chaz (nee Chastity, Cher's daughter). How would I react to such a thing should Boop come to me one day? I don't have much investment in Boop's gender at this point. It's changed so many times in my mind, from being a girl in the first trimester, to being a boy now. Recently, my great aunt M told me about the time when her step son told her that he was gay. Would I be able to say and do the right thing? What if Boop did something sinister? How would I handle it? I'm creating worries for myself and getting too far off track. I don't need to cross that bridge before I get there.

Right now, I need to focus on eating the right things, staying safe, and being a good pregnant Mom. Hopefully, I will be able take Boop swimming for the first time this week :) And maybe it's okay for me to think about little Boop's real first day of daycare and maybe even Boop's first day of elementary school...

Cars. 8-18-11

I've been staying pretty busy and a bit lax about posting. Earlier this week, I hit something in the road. The next morning, I got up and my tire was low. I aired it up. Tire maintenance is comical for a pregnant woman, especially the squatting and trying to balance. Then, I got up the next morning, and the tire was low again <cringe>. But I needed the state vehicle inspection, so I took it in anyway. They couldn't inspect it, of course, and the tire was in much worse shape than I thought. So, I took it up to Walmart. They are close by, and they have a road hazard warranty. Of course, 1 tire was $150...

Let's recap. In February 2010, a nasty pothole winter before last shredded one of my original tires. I was able to find the same brand across town (tire #1). That one was supposed to be about $200, but they gave me a break. Then, spring 2011, I was due for new ones; so I got 4 Nexens at the dealership. I kept tire #1 that I bought after the pothole (fortunately) even though it wasn't in terrific shape. I let J, my helper, borrow my car this past spring to help his friend move. He blew one of the new Nexens beyond repair. So, I put my old tire back on. Then, I hit something in the road earlier this week. I got tire #6 this morning.

Apparently, I also bent the rim; so now I need to look for one of those. Then, they said I have another tire going bad. Turns out, the one I blew out earlier this week was one of the new Nexens. The guy said the old one in the back (tire #1) was bad, too. I can't win! At least I had an hour to look at baby clothes while there. They had a lot of things on sale, which was very tempting. Of course, on my way back to work this morning, my morning sickness was acting up, and I had to make a quick trip home. It's not enough to have car problems... Hopefully, I can get the car straightened out soon!

An Early Start. 8-14-11

I was up and out and at Walmart at about 8:30am. The organization section at Walmart was very... unorganized. Storage. The basement needs to get into order. I'm feeling discombobulated. And a woman without a head does not a good mommy make. I don't know which is worse: the exhaustion and not-caring of the first trimester OR my frenetic need to get my house in order!

A new helper came at 10am and worked about 3 hours to get a start on the basement. He made some headway, and I was able to do a little cleaning upstairs. Still so many things to do. I'm just trying to keep at it steadily. Winnie and I went to the dog park and then walked on over to the daycare. We peeped in the windows. There were lots of little bitty chairs for tiny girls and boys and very colorful artwork on the windows. It's very exciting to think about little girl or boy Boop sitting in those little chairs making paintings to bring home for us to put on the refrigerator. Of course, it will be artwork to rival Rembrandt's Nightwatch, or at least to me :) I wonder where we are on the waiting list. The Infants are 6 wks to 1 year. So, I'm guessing we'll be firmly at 61 on the daycare waiting list for a while. And I probably need to look around to see if there are other options if the daycare isn't available at 6 wks when I need to head back to work.

Dreams. 8-13-11

The Nightmare--Henri Fuseli

Somebody is having a very animated dream. I'm hearing little whimpers right beside me, that in her dream, are probably very big barks. And before the whimpers there were little growls and lots of twitches. She's been chasing something. And I just saw her eyes open accompanied by a little stretch. I wonder if Winnie was having a happy dream, or if she's sensing the changes that are happening and was having a nightmare.

I've had some of the strangest dreams, partly induced by the meds and partly my own stresses. I had a horrible dream about my teeth a few weeks ago. They were gushing blood and falling out. I don't quite think that's what the pregnancy information pages meant when they said that your teeth may bleed more when you brush and floss... A few days ago, I had a dream that I was a helicopter pilot, and my mom and I were following the interstate. Then, we started to run out of gas, so we figured that there would be a gas station near a ramp. However, as is in the case in the mountains, you have to drive a few miles to find the gas station, and there we were, just barely hovering above the ground. The cars heading the other direction were unphased, and we were puttering along in the line of traffic, holding our breaths to get to the gas station in time.

This one is not too hard to figure out. My bank account/credit card problems with trying to have enough gas to get home and still not adjusting to the gas tank in my car after having the Civic for so long, those are pretty obvious. I've also been thinking about the Chinook helicopter in the news that was shot down in Afghanistan. And then there is the bigger issue of my energy level and being old. And I guess Mom and I are in the same boat. My mom unfortunately reminded me of how old we would be when Boop would be in college. 

Taking Stock at Week 17. 8-15-11

Here is the update at Week 17:

·         No Unisom for the first time in 4 months! I still have some nausea, but I'm managing without meds :) Woot, woot! I'm still taking colace. Hopefully, I'll feel good enough that I can start drinking OJ for fiber supplements. Spotting seems to be a distant memory, whew! On the other hand, I think my blood pressure is a little out of whack; I'm having headaches and dizziness.

·         I'm already counting the days until my next ultrasound. I can't wait to see my Boop again. In the meantime, I haven't really felt Boop kick that I can pin down. I have some funny sensations, but I can't really define it as anything.

·         Helpers are decreasing my stress level. It makes me feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I can't say that I've really gotten anything substantial done, but at least, things aren't getting worse!

·         The scales at my primary care doc's office say I'm gaining weight. I guess that's good news, but it was a little too much good news, ahem. Maybe it's the Chocolate Dreams spread that I bought. Unfortunately, it tastes good on just about anything... I'm trying to walk a bit more now that I feel better.

To doula... 8-10-11

Or not to doula. I'm trying to decide, and I'm in the information gathering stage. There are so many unknowns. I've only known folks in these parts for about a year and a half. And most of the women I spend time with have no children. It's not that they haven't offered to help; it's just that they may not know exactly how to help. And I definitely don't really know what kind of help to ask for. Many uncertainties.

There is some comfort in having someone nearby that will know what I need. In the back of my mind, I'm thinking about giving birth to my little Boop, but I try not to think too much about it. It's just too freaky. And Boop doesn't appear to be so little, as far as we can tell by ultrasound. Big baby. It would be nice to have as many calming and reliable influences around me as possible. I was hoping to get that from a midwife, but she's going to be focused on getting that baby to come out. And I'm not really sure which of the 5 midwives I will have. There's also the issue of cost of a doula. I need to do more research here, too. Definitely not heard of in my family. I can't say that I know anyone personally who has used a doula, that I know of. I guess the stereotype is that they are used by hippies and liberal educated types--I'm not sure what's going on this website, but it's a little too much information for me! I'm really not either, just freaked out about having a baby!

Maternity Clothes. 8-9-11

I was trying to find a dress just like this one, but...

My trip back to see family and go to the World's Longest Yardsale was a bit hectic. Mom went with me to the "upscale" maternity consignment store in town. Well, okay. I was looking at the racks, and all of the sudden, I smelled paint. That's strange. I looked over, and lo and behold, a man was painting a cabinet inside the store! No fans, no open windows. I walked over to him and asked, "Is that low VOC paint?" The man looked up, dumbfounded, like I was speaking a foreign language. I was incredulous. I told him that you're not supposed to have paint around pregnant women. He was unphased and just kept painting. The world seems a little crazy. I don't remember a time in my life when I didn't know pregnant women couldn't be around chemicals and paint.

Fortunately, my mom brought most of the racks back to me in the dressing room. I made a mad dash. 2 pairs of pants, a skirt, a dress, and 3 tops later, I was out of there. As I was leaving, I did reiterate to the cashier in a gentle but firm tone that pregnant women shouldn't be around paint and that such chemicals were associated with low birthweight babies and birth defects. I couldn't tell for sure, but I thought she might be pregnant herself. I had hoped that she wouldn't stay working there if she was.

We stopped by the Goodwill on the way home and had much better luck than the one by my house. A few more tops and a couple of dresses. So it was a pretty fruitful outing. Of course, that didn't stop me from going to Burlington before I left town. I got a few more things, including believe it or not, skinny jeans. Yes, they make skinny jeans for pregnant women: a very scary prospect! Kind of like "Fat guy in a little coat..." a la Chris Farley. Meanwhile, I'm munching on generic Mallowmars. We'll see how long the "skinny" jeans last at this rate.

Paw-Paw. 8-5-11

If my dad was a handful, my Paw-Paw was even more so. Long after he passed, his brother told me the real story. "They say those horses got spooked, but I think he was pushing those horses too hard. He was mad that day when he sat out, and I think he set out too fast." Lesson: Don't take out your anger on a mowing machine. He lost both of his arms; fortunately, they were able to re-attach one. My paw-paw was someone that no one forgot, and people would beg to do work for him. Somehow you just felt so good doing it, encouraged by “Now you’re gettin’ right” when you were doing it just the way he wanted.

He had a house at the lake that was always the place to be. And we would spend long hours on the pontoon <he knew all of the animals on the lake, or at least he convinced me that he did ;)>, and before that on his little fishing boat, "Ol' Sinker." They would catch me a fish, put it in my bucket, and I would sit there fishing with MY little fishing pole. He had amazing fish stories, and for a man with only one arm, the length of the fish was left to your imagination. People were always giving him things. I remember when I was little bitty, we pulled up to his old trailer, and there were watermelons as far as you could see. Someone had given him so many watermelons. I ate watermelon, after watermelon, after watermelon, but they were so good, that you just wanted to eat more, more, more!

When my dad was growing up, Paw-Paw had a service station. From tell of it, you'd think it was a front for organized crime! There was always a poker game going on in back, and there was always a seat at the table for the local law. I remember Paw-Paw's poker games at the house would last all day and all night and all day and all night. And Paw-Paw's arrival for the holidays was always greeted by sacks and sacks of White Castles. Dad I could keep up with, but not Paw-Paw. We would have big country breakfast on weekends, with heaps of biscuits and gravy. But I just couldn't stomach those over-ripe bananas that he savored.

And I can already tell it on the ultrasound. At 10 weeks, Boop was throwing a temper tantrum. A spitfire, just like his Paw-Paw. A mess, but HEAPs and HEAPs of fun!

Dad. 8-5-11

I wish Boop would have been able to know my dad. It's a bit upsetting to think about...  At least, I'll have plenty of distractions this weekend.  

It's strange to think that I've lived longer without a father than I've lived with one. Anyone would tell you, we were two peas in a pod. He worked the night shift; so he was my primary caregiver while mom was at work. Dad and I were notorious for running around in our t-shirts and underwear in the middle of winter, eating ice cream with the heat cranked up; and then, in the summer, cranking up the A/C and covering up with piles of blankets. That was before environmentalists existed. Dad and I would go to Burger King and order 3 Whoppers and 2 fries. As little as I was, I always found room for that other 1/2 of Whopper. We split 50/50; I was 'Little Mike.' That was before nutritionists existed. He taught me to count by playing Poker. And I'm told he could stack a deck better than anybody they knew. That was before we knew Jesus existed. Unfortunately, he never imparted the art of dealing from the bottom to me. I did inherit his poker face, but not his tell: his nose! :) <I did learn an important lesson about gambling indirectly from my parents: You should never gamble when you're invested in the outcome.>

I did inherit his eye. I have more levels, right angles, plum lines, chalk lines than any human should own. Of course, like him, I usually don't need them. "It's not straight!" It's enough to keep you up at night! On the other hand, I did not inherit his, um, need to spend hours in front of the mirror fixing his hair. This is probably one that would have been good for me to pick up on ;)

I'll be curious to see how many of these interesting quirks will be inherited by my little Boop. Boop will probably wind up being like my mom--heaven help us! ;)

Taking Stock at Week 16. 8-8-11

I can't believe it's already week 16. It's hard to believe I've made it this far!

Here is what is going on at Week 16:

·         I still haven't really felt the baby kick--or maybe it's just that I haven't felt Boop be still! I did have a funny sensation on Saturday. I felt a place by my abdomen, and it was kind of hard. Maybe it was just my imagination.

·         I did some hard-core shopping because I was running out of clothing options. Fortunately, I had more luck on this excursion while out of town. Maybe a little too much luck??

·         Morning sickness seems to be a bit better. I still have a very vague sense of nausea, and it's worse in the evening. Thank heavens I haven't had any spotting in a while. So, I'm feeling a bit better overall. I feel like I should knock on wood and do various other rituals to drive away evil spirits to un-jinx myself after writing that.

·         By this point, I read that my bladder should be relaxing, but it doesn't seem to be. I can just look at water and have to go to the bathroom. My sleep may be getting a bit worse. I keep trying to remind myself to sleep on my side.

·         The drive back and forth to the World's Longest Yardsale has me pretty exhausted. Fortunately, I have more energy than the 1st trimester. 

No Money. 8-5-11

It's really hard to live without a credit card. I've been without my credit card for about 2 months now. And I was without a debit card for nearly a month. My bank accounts are so screwy. I'm not going to relate all of the gory details, but essentially, I have money, but I can't get to it with my debit card. I'm hoping I have enough in that account to get me home. I tried to transfer some money, which has been largely unsuccessful to date.

So, I've been borrowing money, which is so embarrassing, but I just can't get to my money. Now I want to go to The World's Longest Yardsale, and I need maternity clothes. Thankfully, folks have it for me to borrow. I'm just very annoyed at the whole situation. Anyway, maybe I'll find some clothes when I head back towards home because I definitely haven't found any here! My friend, G, was telling me that all she heard on the radio when she was back about this particular maternity resale shop. So, I guess I'll be checking that out.

I'm going to stay with my mom's aunt, M, who didn't sound like she was feeling very good. She's always had a lot of health problems, but I think she's just been down since she lost her son. He was just a few years older than me. And then she had a fall; so she's had trouble rallying back her health. Travel has been hard for her, which I know is difficult because her children and step-children are far away.

I hope Boop will get a chance to know all of his/her family. There are some in particular that I wish Boop could have known...

Sugar Baby. 8-3-11

I've clearly missed my calling. I frequently have misgivings about my chosen career path, especially as the negative grant reviews come in. Why didn't they have Sugar Babies when I was in school? I'm still paying on my college loans! The only thing they had when I was in school that paid very well were nudie bars, and well, I just didn't have the resources to embark on that career. The pole I might have managed, but on the natural endowments, I come up a little short. I would have to make a serious investment to get very far in that career, and that would defeat the purpose.

The psychologist on TV is talking about the Sugar Babies lacking 'a sense of moral compass'... What's that? I guess I'm a little past my prime, though. I kinda want to sign up for it, anyway. This would be even better than Internet dating. If I'm going for shock value, I'd just have to show up with my big bump. Or better yet, I could try it in a year from now, after Boop is making his/her screaming entrance into the world. Heck, I could have Boop in tow. The response would be priceless.

Seriously though, being pregnant and the reality of having a little one on my own has had me reevaluating many things. Living and working where I do: being far from family, my struggle to find decent health care, the outlook for the future of grant-writing, my ability to make an impact, etc.

Jehovah. 8-1-11

Winnie let me know that someone was at the door. It was 2 ladies who were Jehovah's Witnesses. Winnie was so crazy that I could barely hear their names. As one of the ladies was handing me 2 brochures, she explained, "This one is about how to keep your marriage strong. I think you'll really like reading it." My natural instinct was to say... but then I caught myself. She probably saw I was pregnant. I really didn't want to go there with a person I didn't know. So, I just said, "Thank you," and smiled. They mean well, not wanting me to suffer eternal damnation and all. 

I just published blogs on my dating tribulations. Now, if the brochure was about how to meet a great guy, it might peak my interest. For some reason, I've been getting oodles of messages about guys 'who want to get to know me better' from the Internet dating site. It makes me a touch sad and quite amused at the same time: sad that I'm not out there meeting new guys and doing fun things with them <in spite of my unfortunate dates, hope springs eternal> and amused at the mental image of me walking in for a first meeting with my large baby bump and introducing myself. It would be hillarious to try it, just to go through the regular pre-date banter like your typical single girl, and then appear on a first date this fantastically pregnant woman. The expression would be priceless. I'm not imagining a reception like the SNL skit with the pregnant woman dancing in the bar. You've got to give her credit for totally pulling it off!

In the mean time, it's just Boop, Winnie, and me taking life one day at time :) 

Taking Care of Business. 7-31-11

It's been a hectic week. At least I have more energy in my second trimester. Much running for my car. After making one attempt to get my registration in a different town, I had to go downtown and pay my car taxes. Then, I had to go back to the DMV in a different town for my registration. Yep, definitely more convoluted than other places I've lived, and I'm not finished, yet. Then, car maintenance at the dealership. I also took Winnie to the vet, a little behind. She was due in May. She still acts like a puppy. The vet said her insides were like a puppy, too :) She did have a loose knee cap, but he said not to worry too much. What would I do without my Winnie?  

I've also had helpers here this week. The first person was a bit of a bust. The second person got all of my drywall out of my way, and we got furniture moved into the kitchen. Yay! I have another helper today. Hopefully, I'll be able to get kitchen stuff out of the living room. Yep, I still have can goods in my living room. I have a lot of trim work in the kitchen, too.

I'm having a hard time finding maternity clothes. I bought a couple pair of cropped pants at Target this week. I went to the Goodwill to try to find some more pants. I didn't have much luck, slim pickin's, especially for summer stuff in my size. I found a few long sleeved tops, but that doesn't help me for now. I wanted to get a belly band, but the ones at Target were nude colored, and you could see my pants underneath it...kinda defeats the purpose. Being that I have no idea how things fit on me--I don't even know my size--I have trouble buying stuff online. Maybe I'll find some when I go back to visit family this coming weekend.

Recovering. 7-28-11

I'm trying to find some new helpers since my previous ones will be gone for a while. Alas, I miss my helper B already. The person today got a somewhat good reference, but I'm thinking I should have read between the lines a bit more. The helper today was nice and well-meaning, but she was having a hard time. I don't know if she had done much house cleaning before, and I don't think she knew anything about pregnancy.

Some of the interesting approaches to cleaning included vacuuming while sitting down, using a can of aerosol rug cleaner on a 5x7 rug indoors (after I explained that I couldn't be around chemicals while pregnant), using a 1/5 bottle of concentrated dishwashing liquid for a half a pail of water, and that's only the beginning. Did I mention that she brought the vacuum back into the house so that she could empty it out? She was here less than 2 hours, and I haven't done as much work in my entire pregnancy!

Bed Warmer. 7-28-11

I was a little later than usual getting up this morning to go to the bathroom. I slept in until nearly 4am! I must have been exhausted after all of my running yesterday: finally got my car registered on my 3rd trip, went to the doctor, and hit a few stores. Actually, it's a little easier when I wake up around 2 or 3am because then I can go back to sleep.  

So, I came back from the bathroom, and Winnie was nowhere to be seen. I wondered if maybe she went down stairs. I lifted up the sheets and saw a little black ball under my body pillow. Nope, too close for a paw punch. I pulled a sleepy Winnie out from under the pillow. She wiggled away. Then, she lay <that doesn’t look like the write word, but Word assures me it is!> on top of my body pillow. That wouldn't work either. I tried to get her up again, but I was pressing my luck. She had a tantrum, and I told her to go get in her crate. A little while later, when she realized there was no treat awaiting her in the crate, I guess, she came back upstairs and hopped up on the trunk at the foot of the bed and slept in the blanket there. There was really no going back to sleep at that point.

Fortunately, that went a little better than last night. Winnie was playing and is used to just jumping where she wants. So, I was in the way of her toy, and a paw landed full force near my pelvis, right where the midwife finally found the heartbeat. I was a bit freaked out and scolded Winnie a bit for what she did. And to her it probably sounded like, "Blah, blah, blah" in an angry tone. She knew I was upset with her, but I'm sure she had no clue what about. It was a little after 5pm, and so I called the midwives’ office and left a message just to double check. They also haven't given me the results of my urine test. This is feeling a little too familiar. Hopefully, they'll call me back today to check in.  

Taking Stock at Week 15. 8-1-11

Here is where I am at Week 15:

·         Glen Campbell? I keep having his songs go through my head, but I don't know all the lyrics to Southern Nights. Da da da da da...

·         Morning sickness? Yes, still. I feel like a human garbage disposal. As long as I'm actively eating, I can keep it at bay. <The midwife said I only gained a half a pound!!> And Angular cheilitis. Maybe they'll both go away at the same time. No spotting, hurray!

·         It's all about cucumbers. Cucumbers with salt. And I'm cooking a fair bit. I've been reading a lot of Allrecipes.com. The reviews tickle me, '5 out of 5 stars. This recipe was great! I changed every other ingredient. Our family loved it!' The berry crisp with mayonnaise was easy and quite tasty... only I added cherries :)

·         Finding maternity clothes has been a bear. It would be easier not to cross my legs if I weren't wearing dresses. I guess I'm lucky that I have dresses that I can wear. Maybe I'll head out of town this week and find some things.

·         Wondering how I'm going to teach a new course in the spring term. I'm expecting January 19th, but the class starts the week before. And then, it's going to take me some time to recuperate, especially if I have to have a C-section... 8 weeks, I think. So, I'm scrambling to do research. Hm.

Waves. 8-3-11

It comes in waves. Some days I feel really overwhelmed. This was kind of a rough day. I spent the day gathering information about medical leave in January. It's not enough that I'm having a little freak out about being a single parent. I'm already having to struggle over work in January! At least, I'm getting it out of the way, I guess. I know people are working behind the scenes to help me, and I will have support. I just dread the impending confrontation. And I feel like this situation will repeat itself in various forms.

It's days like this that I feel a little spent. And everyone seems like they have a much easier life, have more love, and are having much more fun. It's hard to come home to an empty house some days. I was just re-reading about some of the guys I've dated. And maybe being a bit hard on myself about some mistakes I've made. There are probably guys who have been writing mean things about me for lesser crimes for a long time, too. Ahem. Yep Ladies, if you've found a good one, take care of him! Thank heavens for my little dog who is always happy to see me come home. And I have folks checking in on me who care about me. I'm fortunate for that. For some reason, my blog stats say I even had a few page hits from Pakistan. I have no idea of who that could be, but Welcome!

Maybe some folks really are in a better situation than me. But I remind myself that there are many things going on with other people. It's amazing how much people are struggling when you scratch the surface. A friend of mine has been struggling a bit lately, too, and so I took this photo of a Guatemalan Worry Doll to help with some of the burden. Guatemalan Worry Dolls work via Internet, I'm sure! I'll put your worry on this little doll and sleep with it under my pillow tonight.

"And this, too, shall pass away!"--Abraham Lincoln <I just learned that this was from him by way of a Sufi proverb.>

Midwife Meeting. 7-25-11

I went to my first midwifery appointment at the community hospital today. It felt thorough. Please Lord, don't let them lose my test results! I hope the UTI has cleared. I met with the intake nurse and had to visit the phlebotomy lab before I left. They gave me several pregnancy magazines, and a bunch of odds and ends in a sack. I still need to go through it all. They were a little surprised at the quality (lack) of my prenatal care. I fought for everything I got.

So, I met with the midwife, L. I'll rotate through all 5 of the midwives, just so I'm not surprised by who is on call when I deliver. L and I chatted a bit; she asked me questions about how I was doing and such. She seemed to think I was on track. I asked her about Turkey in late October. "Nope," was her answer. She said that's an awful long plane trip :(

She used the hand held ultrasound to listen to Boop's heartbeat. Well, she tried. Mainly, it was like listening to static on the radio. I was telling her that I had digestive problems, was that the reason why there was so much noise? No, she smiled. I'm just trying to find the baby. She shook her head. A bump, bump of the heart then a swoosh and static. "Wow, that is one active baby! You're going to have a hard time keeping up with this one!" Oh mercy, I don't think I'll have the energy to chase after a hyperactive toddler! :)

At that point, I figured I needed to calm Boop down. So, I put my hands on either side of my bump, took a deep breath, and calmly told Boop, "Okay, you need to settle down." Well, at least Boop listens, for the moment, anyway. Once the words came out, the next thing I know there was the heart beat plugging along just over 150 bpm. Fingers crossed Boop continues to listen to me ;)

Kissed a lot of Frogs, Part III. 7-10-11

Writing about some of the duds I've dated makes me feel better about my decision to move forward with trying to be a single mother. I'll wrap up these stories with a guy I dated for about a year. Maybe I’m giving away too many details in too public of a venue. You're never sure in these situations quite what to think; at least, he was honest about being in a less-than-ideal situation.

In the back of my mind, I had this strange feeling that he knew a little bit too much about me at times and seemed to anticipate conversations we would have. It didn't help that he specialized in audio recording equipment, and relating the details of incidents, my psychologist was concerned. And then there were his discussions about his awkward situation with a Musician. He said that she thought they were dating, but he tried to get out of activities with her. I told him that he needed to be honest with her.

Fast forward to a conference in California. One evening, I went out with some students to a nice hotel bar. One of the students was hesitant about Internet dating. We were going around relating our experiences, saying that we had met some nice guys. I gave her some general info about the guy I was dating. She said, "Wait, that sounds just like my mom's boyfriend!" I was a little shaken, but I thought, 'Uh oh, I had better warn him.' So, I sent him a little email to give him a heads up. It really didn't bother me that he might be dating us at the same time. We never said we were exclusive. I wasn't...

I didn't think much of the situation until I saw his reaction, totally out of proportion to what I said. To be honest, I had been losing steam on the relationship for a few months. Job stress, the creepy stuff seemed to be increasing, and the relationship didn't really seem to be going anywhere. Plus, he blew up at me, which told me there was more to the situation than I knew. We just ended it at that point. And so I'm going to end my discussion of frogs here. Maybe I'll write about the guy who practically tried to mount me in the appliance section at Sears someday <many interesting fellows>, but I really need to stop. I'm just digging my hole deeper.

Kissed a lot of Frogs, Part II. 7-9-11

They say nice girls don't kiss and tell. Well, I didn't kiss this guy, either; so I'm going to go ahead and tell... I met him for coffee/tea. He was decent looking, probably made a modest income, extraverted.  He told me to go through the line first. He said we would just get something to drink. So, I ordered a tea and plain bagel. It was less than $3. He never offered to pay, even though he asked me out. Then he ordered a fancy coffee, a tuna sandwich, and some chips. We chatted for a bit, and he seemed kinda normal. Okay, maybe he just didn't realize, I thought. And the whole women's lib thing, maybe he thought I would be offended if he paid? In general, it's the person that invites that pays, but some guys don't catch on.

Later that afternoon, I got a call. It's the same guy. He said he had a nice time (I think yeah, yeah, yeah, but you're too cheap to offer to pay $3 on me?), and then he went on to say that his friends told him about some benefit dinner that night. He wanted me to go. You know, I had to ask, "What's the benefit for?" and "How much is it?" <To my credit, I didn't say, "How much is it, Cheapo?"> He said that he wasn't sure which charity it was for, and "It would be $25 for you." I think, yeah right! Instead, I said, "Ah, you know, I've kinda settled in for the night and am really not feeling like getting out." <To my credit, I didn't say, "really not feeling motivated to go out for someone who expects me to pay $25 for a charity that he doesn't remember, especially when you call me as an afterthought.>

I'm thinking that I've heard the last of this guy. But no, he contacted me mid-week to go out to PF Changs. Yeah, I'm not believing it, either. Maybe he thought he's found a sugar momma? Nope. It reminds me of the exchange between Ray's parents on Everybody Loves Raymond. She says something about being a trophy wife. To which Ray's father asks, "What trophy in hell have I won?" Yeah, he was no trophy.

So, I meet him at PF Changs. He asked, why don't we split a seared tuna appetizer? I reminded him that I'm allergic to fish. He was still trying to sell me on paying half for this appetizer. I tell him that I can wait for my meal, to go ahead and order what he wanted for himself. <Translation: I ain't payin'.> So, he ordered it anyway, all $8 worth. Fine. The waiter was kinda taking this all in. He was being extra nice to me and had my date pegged as a jerk. I wonder if the waiter had waited on my date before and what the circumstances were. I ate about half of my meal. We got our separate checks. He never offered to pay. I planned to take the rest of my meal home for lunch the next day, and the waiter boxed it up for me. My date said, "Hey, since you're not going to eat that, I can take it home with me." The waiter was a little incredulous and shook his head. I said, "No, I'm planning to have this for lunch tomorrow." <To my credit, I didn't say, "Uh, I paid for my meal. If you wanted more, you should have bought it, you tight a**.> Slim pickin's, slim pickin's.